Almost, But Not Quite, Entirely Unlike Tea
by NMDSynthesiser
Summary: Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect are extremely exasperated with the Nutri-Matic Drinks Synthesiser and tries to complain about it with the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. However, the complaints division is too stuffed up and messy to do anything. They have to think up a better plan. By the way, share and enjoy!
1. A Hopeless Attempt

**A HOPELESS ATTEMPT**

The Nutri-Matic Drinks Synthesiser gurgled and produced another plastic cup of liquid.

"Share and enjoy!" it said cheerfully.

Arthur Dent sighed and poured it in the rubbish bin.

"Tea please."

The machine synthesised another one.

Pouring it away again, Arthur decided to give up and go lie down in bed.

Ten minutes later, Ford Prefect came up to the drinks synthesiser and asked for a cup of Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

"Share and Enjoy!"

"I said Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, not whatever that is!" Ford said angrily, chucking the plastic cup away.

The machine produced another one.

Ford threw away the tenth cup.

"PAN GALACTIC GARGLE BLASTER!"

The Nutri-Matic Drinks Synthesiser created another one. "If you have enjoyed the experience of this drink, why not share it with your friends?"

Ford dumped the cup in the bin and stomped away to find Zaphod.

The drinks synthesiser uncaringly produced another cup of the disgusting liquid, just out of habit, and plugged in with Eddie, the ship's computer, to figure out exactly how to synthesise a cup of Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

In bed, Arthur Dent couldn't believe how much he missed tea.


	2. The Complaints Division

Ford stormed along the corridor, trying to ignore the voice activated doors.

Whirr.

"Thank you for making a simple door very happy."

"Shut it!"

Whirr.

"It is my pleasure to open for you–"

"I said shut it!"

"And my satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done."

"Zark off."

"Thank you. Have a nice day."

Ford finally found Zaphod and started complaining to him about Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters and the stupid machine which was currently plugged in with the ship's computer, trying to figure out how to make a new kind of drink.

"Well, look Ford, it's not my fault. I mean, kid, I sure didn't make that silly machine," Zaphod complained back, "I don't spend my life trying to produce Nutri-Matic Drinks Synthesisers. It's what the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation does, right Marvin?"

The paranoid android clunked around to face him.

"Don't talk to me about life. It's terribly depressing. I can tell that you're not interested."

"Yeah great, Marvin, kid. Mind bringing the remote control for the sound system? Thanks."

Marvin went to get to get the control. "My brain the size of a planet, and you tell me to get the remote control. Life is terribly depressing."

The robot walked over to the door and started complaining about all sorts of depressing things.

Trillian, who had been silent until now, spoke up.

"Why don't we go and complain to the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation instead? In fact, we should have done so ages ago!"

"Great idea, Trillian! Now why didn't we think of that? It was pretty obvious..." Ford muttered.

Trillian nodded and started trying to unjam the ship computer's logic circuits from the shortly to be replaced Nutri-Matic Drinks Synthesiser, and set the course to the Sirius star system.

The Heart of Gold turned towards the distant star of Sirius and its Infinite Improbability Drive took the crew to its destination, waking Arthur from his dreams just when he was starting to enjoy it.


	3. Arrival on a Birthday Cake

CHAPTER THREE: ARRIVAL ON A BIRTHDAY CAKE

The Corporation's complaints division was stuffed full, as usual. The mail system had totally broken down and was nowhere to be found, but some of the letters had managed to squeeze themselves inside anyway, and took up nearly all the space inside the new headquarters of the division. A few complaints executives were scattered around the place lying in piles of paperwork and letters of complaint. A member of the staff was dozing on a strangely off-balance chair in front of a customer who was trying to complain to an apparently oblivious, and rather loud, man. Even the chair was more attentive. Behind that customer, who was nearly falling asleep himself, was a line that was, well, long. Imagine the longest thing you can imagine. And extend it a whole lot more. That line was longer than that.

In fact, to describe the building simply, it was a structure that was stuffed full with pieces of paper, a few clients, and an almost infinite number of people who had tried to make a complaint, given up and settled down to wait for eternity.

The new headquarters was situated a few miles from the last one, which was the same distance from the previous one, which was right next to the one before that, and so on, until the wrecks of old and broken down headquarters had covered the landscape of a whole, and pretty large, planet. The first one, the one which had sunk and now read "go stick your head in a pig", was a sort of tourist attraction among the more fanatical complainers of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. It represented, they thought, the ultimate complaint to the company, and that more people should pay attention to it.

One of the other planets that were part of the complaints division was full of advertisements that were meant to promote products that people complained most about. They even had a list of the top ten thousand products with the most complaints, and of course, way too many signs with their motto, "share and enjoy", to even bother counting.

The last planet was supposed to be the recipient of all the mail (the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation's complaints division will happily receive any complaints via letters, paper aeroplanes, smelly socks, or whatever it is that you communicate with), but sadly, all it now contained was a couple of musty old socks, and surprising, a few bits of mouldy blue cheese and a gigantic birthday cake. The mail system had broken down ever since it had started. It simply didn't work. A large portion of the mail had been sucked into a mysterious black hole that mysteriously disappeared straight after its snack. The remaining still resided in the headquarters.

The Heart of Gold was balanced precariously on the birthday cake. It had made a weird, it had to be admitted, landing. Then the cake suddenly decided that enough was enough and collapsed. Arthur, Ford, Trillion and Zaphod crawled out.

"Want to come, Marvin kid?" Zaphod asked, glancing back.

"You wouldn't want my company. Nobody ever does. Life is horribly depressing…"

"I mean," Zaphod continued, "You wouldn't mind carrying that drinks synthesiser with us, right?"

"My brain the size o – "

"Yeah, we get you, kid," he interrupted, "Now let's go!"

The strange party set out across the landscape and got lost a few minutes later.


End file.
